Sometimes I feel harsh, sometimes I feel like I just want to leave everything and lie down into the ditch. When my ambitions to create music and feel it race through my veins slumber, I feel like I just want to let go. And these so called times happends to ascend.
Some weeks ago I felt I didn't wanted to play in the band anymore. Everything was dead to me, no respect, no prosperity with the relations in the band. I felt like everyone didn't really wanted this to be. And those kind of thoughts lowered me down under the surface of a ocean. These times happends to be false alarm and it turns out that my head had played me a game. Maybe this is my personality's darker side, the aspects of my mind happends to create distorted realities. And at the end, I realized that it is was all a doublefaced cogitation of my behaviour in the ways of my living. Everything I do, no sleep, no homeworks being done, drinking, smoking and eating unhealthy did affect my behaviour and my realtions to other beings. And myself.
But, there's always a but. These reactions maybe have been caused by the past, maybe the past has being shaping my life. And yes it has. I'm happy to be the one I'm today and the side effects of what it has brought is in my opinion both a negative and positive impact in my personality. Maybe I'm to generous by giving you the people these kind of facts but it feels like it has facilitated the way I'm as a person, how I handle situations and respond to people. People think that the past can't shape your future but it does clearly.
Now I'm talking jibberish, but I wanted to tell you that sometimes I feel that this life has nothing to give me in return of what I'm doing. But these stupid thoughts plays me just a another strange trick, it's trying to send me down there, somewhere where nothing exists. it is strange that all this negative mass that is so, so, so small can take over so much of the positive mass life is creating every second. never give up, everything you do may not be valueable for living, but you live to exist and live to live a life. That is why you and I was born, to be and to feel.
This opportunity of being creating music has in ways saved me and the members has keeping me going and supported me. Escpacially one person and you know who you're. Up and downs has showed us what we want to do and in which path it has lead us onto is ours to create. I really want this to last forever. Everytime I enter the stage with our histories to show, this feeling of being immortal and important appears in my eyes. That our purpose of the music has a beneficial factor to all of you and maybe I'm wrong with this but that is why I'm doing this. To express and show, to live a life of mine, to give you a performance that gives a impact, both both mentally and physically.
My english is quite bad, I think I have been writing maybe 25 % of understandable text. But as always, it's the thoughts that are measured, not the superficial perfect face that is important. To much is maybe to less and the contrasts of it, nothing is right when thoughts are being asked of. Now I'm going to sleep, the only three things I'm thinking of is maybe this text has revealed to much of the state I was in that period, why I didn't took care of my school when I had the time and of a girl my heart has been sent away to. She's beautiful and full of grace, both sides, internal and external.
And yesterday we played at a festvial called "Yeah! 09 Festivalen" which took place in the city of Örebro. It went no good. Instruments were broken and because of that we got only 10 minutes on the stage. Our drummer went furious and throwed his drumsticks all over the place and yes I understand him quite a lot. As compensation, we got a gig later in the autumn this year. But there were good times as well. We had a photosession and finally got a band promo picture. Just look at the pic on the top of this blog post and you'll see it. Laughs and yells were thrown out but in big strokes it was a good day for us. It felt a little like we came a little closer together, it has recently seemed a little tense between all in the band and I hope it will mend its ways by the future.
By the way, Mono and World's End Girlfriend's collaboration is stunning. Their album called "Palmless Prayer/Mass Murder Refrain" is silently flushing my emotions down the gutter of dispute hatred and love. And also by the way, check out my procject's new demo called "Rites of Coriolis". Hope you like it. http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?hmr23ndmy2d
love elvis
